The Big Two Turned Four

Today is the big day!

Leila and Sarah turned four today. I can't believe it's been 4 years...
Four years ago right now I was just an hour away from meeting my baby girls for the first time. I had no idea what the future held. I wasn't sure how I'd mother two daughters. I was excited and terrified at the same time. I was still in disbelief that I was having twins. Two babies at once?! Seriously?
And here they are today.

My sweet girls have been on this earth for four years and yet I don't remember life without them. I don't remember what it's like to hold a single baby. I only know life in pairs. My days have become repetitive... change two diapers, nurse two babies, hold two hands, carry two children in my arms, and share my bed with two sets of twins. I can't believe how blessed I am to be the mother of these amazing children!

Sarah has decided that she's ready to be a big girl. She has been accident-free for nearly a week. (Don't get too excited, we've gone through this before.) She's always been attached to her mama and has always wanted to sleep near me and twirl my hair. Sarah is rough and tumble and can hold her own with her four brothers, but she's a princess and she knows it.

Leila is always my fiercely independent, yet reserved, little diva. The slightest scratch can induce a blood-curdling scream. She likes to be beautiful and she's always been a clean eater. She hates to be dirty. She is also Daddy's girl and he has him wrapped around her dainty little finger. She and Sarah are opposites in many ways, yet they are so much alike too.

These girls love to play together all day and share secrets. They can sometimes disappear into their own little world when they are playing pretend. Their bond is unlike anything I've ever experienced myself and it never ceases to amaze me. They are such special little girls!

In honor of Cesarean Awareness Month, I'm going to share some memories of the girls' birth. If you don't want to see the harsh reality of a pregnancy with multiples, turn away now. (You've been warned!)


This is what 90 lbs of weight gain can do to a body. It's not pretty. It feels pretty miserable too. But, this body held two babies inside it so it was all worth it!
This is what I looked like the day before I gave birth to Leila and Sarah. I was 39 weeks pregnant the day I took this photo. That night I went to bed, as usual, feeling like I was never going to have these babies and that I wasn't even really pregnant and it was a sick, cruel joke.

Just before 1 am, my water broke. It was actually more of an explosion all over my bed. I had been asleep on my left side and I was drenched from my knees to my neck. The "pop" actually woke me from my sleep. When I stood up from the bed a huge splash hit the floor and my poor dog who was sleeping next to the bed. Everything was wet and Jason mumbled something about me ruining our new mattress.

I'll spare you the details, but if you want to read the whole story you can find it here.

I labored alone for pretty much my entire labor. I let Jason and the boys sleep. Matthew was 3 and Joshua was not even 2 yet, so they played in the other room once they woke up. I retreated to my bedroom and waited for the midwives to arrive so I could hurry up and have the babies already!

Around breakfast time my midwives arrived. I was uncomfortable and couldn't find a good place to labor. I spent a few contractions in the shower (nice) and then a few on the toilet (miserable) and then a few on the bed (terrible) and finally just got on my hands and knees. When I reached a break in my contractions the midwives went into the kitchen. I could hear them talking about me and my labor and how the contractions must have spaced out. I was sitting quietly in Jason's office chair, next to my bed, as the contractions rolled through my body like waves. I was silent.

Suddenly the urge to bear down hit me like a ton of bricks. I was pushing. There was no thinking, no hesitation, no stopping it. I dropped to my knees out of the chair and draped my upper body across the foot of my bed. And I pushed. And I pushed. And pushed some more.

The midwives rushed into the room and Jason brought Matthew and Joshua to see me. After a few big pushes, I reached down and felt Leila's slippery body shoot out into my hands. The midwives helped me lift her but her cord was too short. They cut her cord and I held her as they checked the position of "Baby B" (aka Sarah.) Sarah's hand was presenting which caused a bit of excitement and they took Leila from my arms so that I could push again.
I hated pushing out the second baby. I was irritated that I had push again so soon. I just wanted a break. I buried my face in the bed covers and cursed. I even tried to flat out refuse. "I'm not doing this again. I need a break! I just had a baby!" But there was no break, and 14 minutes later, Sarah was born.

The midwives helped me climb back into Jason's chair (and he was silently cringing at the sight of my fat, naked, bloody butt in his precious chair) where I held both girls for the first time. I nursed them both and delivered the placenta. Then the midwives helped me climb into bed.

I marveled at the fact that I'd just given birth to twins, at home, after a previous cesarean. It was such a healing experience. It restored my faith in natural birth and it really made me feel as though I could accomplish anything. It was, quite literally, a birth high. I've often tried to use my experience to help encourage other mothers who are considering homebirth, or even just a natural birth with twins. The difference between a cesarean and a homebirth (especially with twins) is just incredible. I was up and walking and feeling remarkable, just hours after giving birth at home. It was just completely awesome!
We spent the rest of the day staring in wonder at the two little girls who had just entered our lives. Matthew helped us name the girls. We had decided on their names but had not decided which baby would get which name. Matthew decided that Leila was the first born and so we named her Leila Beth. "Baby B" became Sarah Grace.We could tell them apart easily because of their color difference due to TTTS. Even so, it was odd to have two babies that looked and sounded just alike. It was still sinking in... we had TWINS!

I find it especially humorous now to remember my apprehension at the thought of having two babies. I was so unsure of what life would be like with twins. And now... well, now I just have to giggle.
Happy Birthday Leila and Sarah! I hope someday you realize how blessed we are to be your parents and special you are to our family. We love you so much.

(ETA: By the way, head on over to Kate's blog and wish her twin girls a happy birthday too! They are the older of her two sets of twins and they share the same birthday as Leila and Sarah!)

They're here!

Nathan Jared & Ryan Joseph

born on September 4, 2008

at 8:08 am & 8:09 am

7lbs, 9oz & 6lbs, 6oz

both 19.5 inches long

Nathan (l) & Ryan (r)

Nathan (l) & Ryan (r)

6 kids under age 6

Ryan (l) & Nathan (r)

It was not the peaceful birth we had intended. Acute TTTS became a problem and the babies were born by cesarean section under general anesthesia. More details soon to come...

The babies are much more identical than the girls. Nathan is the red baby and Ryan is much smaller. They both have Matthew's big dimples and the girls' hairline (cowlick and all.) They are 100% copies of Joshua & the girls-only smaller. They have much lighter hair though. It's a light brown compared to the thick black hair the other 4 children had at birth. We are very much in love! We came home from the hospital today and I will share more of our story soon.

Many, many thanks to all of you who have called, emailed, cooked, and prayed for our family. The outpouring of support has been absolutely incredible. We have never felt so blessed.

4 years ago

It was 4 years ago today that my "little" Joshua entered the world. 4 years ago that my homebirth plans went downhill and I found myself recovering from a cesarean. 4 years ago that I became a mom to my second child, my second son.

Tomorrow I will have some great pictures to share! We had cake and played games with some friends. It was a fun day and J had a great time.

Has it really been 4 years?

Cesarean Awareness Month (CAM)

April is Cesarean Awareness Month!

I'm proud to say that I submitted a proclamation to our governor and he signed it! Last year he didn't sign it so I was pleasantly surprised. I sent copies of it to the local media and hopefully someone will pick up the story. I'm going to have Jason take a picture of me with the signed proclamation so I can post it.

ICAN is making a big impact this year with the new website, publicity from the Trust Birth conference, and some recent studies that have shown the safety of VBAC. This is all great news but there is still much work left to be done.

Rixa has highlighted some of the recent studies on her blog so you can check those out here. She also posted about the article that has been making news regarding cost of ERCS versus VBAC. This is an interesting read but you can check out the highlights here on her blog.

I also want to point out a fantastic article that Kmom wrote about women of size and VBAC. You can find the article here. Kmom is the creator of the wonderful resource Plus-Size Pregnancy. This website has a wealth of information for EVERY woman, not just plus-size women. Her information is well-researched and very thorough. I urge you to check it out.

I also wanted to share a link to a friend's blog where she recently posted about her cesarean experience. You can read it here. It was very difficult for me to read because I met Christy in person and shed tears with her as she shared her story with me.

April is not only CAM but also the month of the girls' birth. I can honestly say that 2 years ago as I anticipated their arrival, I never expected to be sitting here, pregnant with twins again. I am unsure what the future holds for me this time but I am hoping and praying that it ends with 2 healthy babies and another peaceful birth.

An Interesting Conversation with an OB

Yesterday I had what can only be described as "an interesting conversation with an OB."

I went in to the clinic to get a copy of my prenatal labs so that I could have a copy to give my midwife. The doctor that I saw was the same one that did the u/s last time. He's an older guy (62) and quite funny. He's got what you might call a dry sense of humor-very sarcastic. Sarcasm is just my style so it suits me well.

We had talked briefly last time about twin births. He had mentioned that there was nobody in our town who would allow a vaginal birth, let alone a VBAC, for twins. I smiled and said "that's one of the reasons I had a homebirth."

Yesterday our conversation again turned to birth. The doc and I were discussing the ever-climbing cesarean rates. He told me that it was terrible that so many women are having unnecessary surgery. One of the things that he told me was about a 28-yo primip who had a primary cesarean while he was a resident. She died of a pulmonary embolism. That was enough to convince him that cesareans should be a last resort. (I wonder what his cesarean rate was when he was practicing?) He said that the new doctors these days just don't learn how to use forceps or deliver breech presentations and so they just rely on cesareans. I told him that I couldn't agree more and how I'd had a client who was a primip that drove to Atlanta to have her baby and had a unmedicated frank breech birth in a hospital there. He thought that was great.

Then he said something that literally made my stomach twist into a knot. He said that more residents need to learn how to handle breech presentations and use forceps. When he was a resident, he wanted to learn to use forceps. The doc he was working with that day told him that there was an easy way to learn. He was told to go around L&D and anytime he found a mom at 8cm, to give her a spinal. This would cause a deep transverse arrest which would require the use of high forceps.

This doc admitted openly that he CAUSED harm to women so that he could hone his skills as an OB. He purposefully intervened with the sole intention of causing a complication that would necessitate further intervention. Hearing this was almost enough to make me vomit. I couldn't believe he was actually telling me this to my face and he was proud!

I asked him if he felt guilty for causing pain and complications for these women. His response? "That's how we learn." Well, there you have it! Still trust your fabulous OB?

I told him that this was exactly why I had a homebirth last time. He said that my only chance of having these babies come out my vagina this time is to either have them at home or come in to a prenatal appointment and the first baby is crowning. They don't even do deliveries at this military hospital and this particular doc no longer attends births at all. But if I showed up at his office pushing he says I'd be his only hope for a vaginal hospital birth. He even said that if I had Baby A vaginally at the other hospital downtown they'd still section me for Baby B. All of this just reinforced what I already know-that I am avoiding the hospital unless there is a true emergency which will likely mean that I'm headed off to a cesarean.

Of course I've been planning another homebirth anyway but I didn't tell the doc that.

Nothing this doc said yesterday is shocking to me, but I am really surprised to hear such honesty from him. I'll continue to use him for backup care because my other option is to use the doc I used last time. This won't work for a number of reasons... the main one being that the other doc scheduled me for a ERCS last time and I didn't show up or call to cancel. When they finally called a few days later I told his nurse that I'd had the babies already. She asked where and of course I told her they were born at home. I highly doubt that this doc would believe me if I walked into his office again and pretended to be planning a hospital birth with him!

After the u/s on Thursday I should have a pretty clear picture of what my plan will be for the rest of my pregnancy. If the babies do not share a chorion then I will have very minimal care. if they do share a chorion, I'll have somewhat regular appointments to monitor their growth because of the risk of TTTS. (So much for an uneventful pregnancy this time!)

The latest from ACOG & ICAN

For those who haven't seen it yet I must share ACOG's latest press release:

ACOG Statement on Home Births

Washington, DC -- The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) reiterates its long-standing opposition to home births. While childbirth is a normal physiologic process that most women experience without problems, monitoring of both the woman and the fetus during labor and delivery in a hospital or accredited birthing center is essential because complications can arise with little or no warning even among women with low-risk pregnancies.

ACOG acknowledges a woman's right to make informed decisions regarding her delivery and to have a choice in choosing her health care provider, but ACOG does not support programs that advocate for, or individuals who provide, home births. Nor does ACOG support the provision of care by midwives who are not certified by the American College of Nurse-Midwives (ACNM) or the American Midwifery Certification Board (AMCB).

Childbirth decisions should not be dictated or influenced by what's fashionable, trendy, or the latest cause célèbre. Despite the rosy picture painted by home birth advocates, a seemingly normal labor and delivery can quickly become life-threatening for both the mother and baby. Attempting a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) at home is especially dangerous because if the uterus ruptures during labor, both the mother and baby face an emergency situation with potentially catastrophic consequences, including death. Unless a woman is in a hospital, an accredited freestanding birthing center, or a birthing center within a hospital complex, with physicians ready to intervene quickly if necessary, she puts herself and her baby's health and life at unnecessary risk.

Advocates cite the high US cesarean rate as one justification for promoting home births. The cesarean delivery rate has concerned ACOG for the past several decades and ACOG remains committed to reducing it, but there is no scientific way to recommend an 'ideal' national cesarean rate as a target goal. In 2000, ACOG issued its Task Force Report Evaluation of Cesarean Delivery to assist physicians and institutions in assessing and reducing, if necessary, their cesarean delivery rates. Multiple factors are responsible for the current cesarean rate, but emerging contributors include maternal choice and the rising tide of high-risk pregnancies due to maternal age, overweight, obesity and diabetes.

The availability of an obstetrician-gynecologist to provide expertise and intervention in an emergency during labor and/or delivery may be life-saving for the mother or newborn and lower the likelihood of a bad outcome. ACOG believes that the safest setting for labor, delivery, and the immediate postpartum period is in the hospital, or a birthing center within a hospital complex, that meets the standards jointly outlined by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and ACOG, or in a freestanding birthing center that meets the standards of the Accreditation Association for Ambulatory Health Care, The Joint Commission, or the American Association of Birth Centers.

It should be emphasized that studies comparing the safety and outcome of births in hospitals with those occurring in other settings in the US are limited and have not been scientifically rigorous. Moreover, lay or other midwives attending to home births are unable to perform live-saving emergency cesarean deliveries and other surgical and medical procedures that would best safeguard the mother and child.

ACOG encourages all pregnant women to get prenatal care and to make a birth plan. The main goal should be a healthy and safe outcome for both mother and baby. Choosing to deliver a baby at home, however, is to place the process of giving birth over the goal of having a healthy baby. For women who choose a midwife to help deliver their baby, it is critical that they choose only ACNM-certified or AMCB-certified midwives that collaborate with a physician to deliver their baby in a hospital, hospital-based birthing center, or properly accredited freestanding birth center.

Check out that last paragraph. "Choosing to deliver a baby at home, however, is to place the process of giving birth over the goal of having a healthy baby." I beg to differ! How many of us have had hospital births that caused complications with our babies? Birthing in the hospital is NOT a guarantee that your baby will be healthy. In fact, for a low-risk woman it almost guarantees a greater chance of complications for mother and/or baby because of the standard hospital interventions.

I find it incredibly insulting that ACOG thinks that homebirthing moms (or those who choose freestanding birth centers) don't care about their children and are just about the experience of birth. Is a healthy mom and baby not EVERYONE'S first goal in birth? Is that not why so many women choose cesareans when their doctors tell them they "need" one? I know I would be cut open again in a heartbeat if I thought my baby's life was in danger. ACOG is just trying to make us all sound like a bunch of crazy hippies who give birth in the woods attended by fairies because we are all about the experience.

To me this is just another example of how ACOG is looking out for it's first priority-it's members. The doctors are #1 at ACOG and they'll do anything to protect their bottom line. I'm sure they feel pressured by all of the success surrounding "The Business of Being Born" but what's next? Getting rid of Family Practice docs too? Anyone who isn't an OB (or a CNM working with an OB) is not qualified?

I find it equally amusing that ACOG does everything but call Ricki Lake out by name. They call homebirth "trendy" and a "cause célèbre." Funny when you consider that hospital births (and even elective cesareans) seem to be much more trendy these days. Homebirth is old. It's nothing new. It certainly didn't start with Ricki Lake's documentary. Ricki Lake just gets the credit for being willing to make a documentary that has caused many women to question their maternity care.



On a somewhat related note, today ICAN launched it's redesigned website. It's very exciting to see the changes that have been made. Hopefully this will help more women find the information they need and the support they desire.

Here's the full press release from ICAN:

Advocacy Group Unveils New Web site

Site features easy navigation, community resources

REDONDO BEACH, CA, February 7, 2008 – The International Cesarean
Awareness Network launches a new, user-friendly Web site today in an
effort to further the group's outreach efforts.

"The new Web site will make an impact in the battle against the
growing cesarean statistics by providing information to moms,
challenging them to take responsibility for their births and providing
a safe community for moms to heal" ICAN President Pam Udy said. "This
will give women the tools they need to make educated decisions about
their births – because this isn't about statistics. It's about every
mom and every baby getting the safest birth possible."

Easy navigation is a key feature of this Web site, which has been in
the works since July when ICAN Board Members recognized the need for a
more user-friendly Web site. (The Web site can be found at
www.ican-online.org) Site viewers will find information separated into
five categories: Pregnancy, Recovery, VBAC, Advocacy and Community.

"In our daily advocacy work, we saw a clear mandate for a site that
was simple to navigate, simple to understand and full of
easy-to-access information for the woman avoiding a cesarean,
recovering from a cesarean or on her journey to VBAC (vaginal birth
after cesarean)," Laureen Hudson, ICAN Publications Director said.
"ICAN interacts with women on very different journeys -- the messages
a pregnant woman needs to hear to avoid a cesarean are not the same
messages a woman on the journey to VBAC needs to hear. We like to
think that this site addresses those two complimentary, yet divergent,
needs."

The Web site lets women research the VBAC policies of hospitals near
them; learn how to correct problems (such as malposition or
pre-eclampsia) that commonly lead to cesareans; get quick physical
recovery tips to help after a cesarean; and stay up-to-date on medical
research on pregnancy and birth. New community features include user
birth blogs, videos and images; and the capability for users to create
their own homepage on the ICAN site to share with friends and family.
ICAN leadership also can connect more easily via the Web site with the
women ICAN serves. Further, the Web site features a new logo – the
logo, and all of the Web work, were completed entirely by volunteers.

"We wanted our site to be easy for the average woman recovering from
surgery and caring for a newborn to find the info they needed quickly
and easily," Webmaster Melissa Collins said. "One of my favorite
features is the online social community that is safe for moms planning
a VBAC or just wanting to avoid. I'm really excited to watch this new
community grow."

This new Web site comes after research in 2007 by the National Center
for Health Statistics showed the cesarean rate reaching a record high
of 31.1 percent. Further, a CDC report indicated the maternal death
rate rose for the first time in decades and Consumer Reports includes
a cesarean in its list of "10 overused tests and treatments." Other
research from 2007 cites a VBAC continues to be a reasonably safe
birthing choice for mothers. And while studies indicate a VBAC is a
viable option, women often have difficulty finding a health care
provider who encourages a VBAC – which is where one of the site's new
features comes into play.

"The most useful tool for women is probably the Hospital VBAC Ban
information," Collins said. "Women can look up the hospitals near them
and find out their VBAC policy and if any doctors are actually
available to attend them. It is getting difficult for so many women to
find a VBAC supportive provider and this is one way to make that a
little easier for them."

Mission statement: ICAN is a nonprofit organization whose mission is
to improve maternal-child health by preventing unnecessary cesareans
through education, providing support for cesarean recovery and
promoting vaginal birth after cesarean. There are more than 94 ICAN
Chapters across North America, which hold educational and support
meetings for people interested in cesarean prevention and recovery.

Beautiful Slideshow

This has got to be the most beautiful slideshow of a cesarean that I have ever seen. Mom labored at home and transported after several hours of pushing. The baby was never taken from her which makes it so special to me. My cesarean baby was 4 hours old before I held him and nursed him for the first time. This slideshow is very powerful... you have to watch!

In the News

A few recent headlines have captured my attention so I'm going to share them here.

The first is news about the link between autism and mercury. Back in 2004 there was a controversial article that was published showing the results of research that concluded that there is no link between mercury levels and autism. Now researchers are saying that there was an error in that study and that there is in fact a clear link between mercury levels and autism and the original data was misrepresented. This was published in the Journal of Child Neurology along with information stating that hair sample testing seems to back up this theory. You can read the article here.

On a somewhat related note, the news of the recent vaccine recall is circulating the internet. Although they are saying there is no known health threat as a result of the contamination that triggered the recall, it still illustrates an important point about vaccine safety. This follows on the heels of the controversy surrounding Gardsisil, the "cancer vaccine." Without going into too much detail I will just say that I find it repulsive that our country operates in the manner in which it does. We allow big pharma companies to control government agencies such as the FDA and CDC which means that these drugs and vaccines are entering the market when their safety is still in question. Instead of researching extensively these drugs and vaccines are being pushed onto consumers now and then the horrible complications are discovered only after many people suffer and die as a result.

Then I read this article about the Tuscon mom who died after delivering her triplet sons. The poor dad is 28 years old and left to care for these 3 boys by himself. It's incredibly sad. There is not much information out there about what went wrong but she was 34 weeks pregnant when she delivered the babies by emergency cesarean. There has been a huge response from across the country as people send baby items to the father. There is another picture of the boys here. Donation information is also listed: Items for the Smith family can be dropped off at Victory Assembly of God Church, 2561 W. Ruthrauff Road, Tucson 85705-1853.
Cash donations can be made to the Debra L. Smith Family Memorial Fund at any Wells Fargo Bank. Account number 8453610233 through routing number 121000248.

Lastly, there have been several articles out last week about the link between cesareans and lung infections. This hits close to home for me since I have had a cesarean and it just so happens that my cesarean baby has asthma. I have asthma and we have a strong family history of asthma so it is not surprising. However, none of the other children have it-only Joshua. This makes me wonder... The reasoning behind this is that the amniotic fluid is not squeezed out of the baby's lungs when being delivered by cesarean because there is no compression in the birth canal. Makes sense to me.

Cesarean Rates Rise Again

Saturday was our screening of BOBB and it went really well! We had about 45 people show up and for our little medical town that is a big deal! We even had an OB that came which made for interesting discussion after the film. Our panel discussion was me, a midwife friend, and a Bradley teacher.

After the film we talked a lot and the OB was upset that the cesarean rates I listed for each hospital in our town included repeat cesareans. As if only primary cesareans should count? I told him that those mothers who were having repeat cesareans counted too because they can and SHOULD be able to have VBACs.

After the discussion we had some refreshments graciously donated by Earth Fare (think Whole Foods) which was great. There was a lot of networking going on and as a result of this screening we raised money for our ICAN chapter and got together a group of us who are putting together a newsletter and directory of birth and breastfeeding resources in our area.

I know that there are some moms now setting up consultations for homebirths as a result of this screening. We will have this awesome new resource in the form of the newsletter. If nothing else, we have heightened the awareness of birthing alternatives in our area (or lack thereof!)

And the best part? The publicity! Check it out! An article here: http://chronicle.augusta.com/stories/113007/let_154610.shtml#142983

We made the evening news here:
http://www.nbcaugusta.com/news/local/12035471.html

And we had several listings in other papers as well.
Then today I spent 30 minutes on the phone with another reporter who is running an entire article about the lack of choices in childbirth here. She was asking about why we no longer have midwives at the major teaching hospital. She asked me about being a doula and about the midwifery model of care. We talked about everything and I am just so excited to see what she writes!

I feel so amazing right now. Finally, all of my hard work has paid off. My time, energy, and money that I have invested into trying to make a difference are finally starting to pay off. The word is out now and ICAN is in the news here. I just am so thrilled!

To bring me back down to Earth I have to talk about the new cesarean rates however. The CDC just released the cesarean rates for 2006 and they have climbed yet again. The nationwide rate is now at 31.1% with Georgia ranking 20th in the nation at 31.3% and South Carolina ranking 13th at 32.9%.

Our local hospitals have cesarean rates ranging from 31% on up to almost 40%. We don't know the rates for the hospital just over the SC border though, because they don't release those figures to the public. Isn't that nice?

It's a scary thing that 1/3 of women are now delivering via cesarean. It hurts me to think about what the future may hold. I feel so strongly that birth affects us and our babies in many ways and it is not just a fleeting moment in time. It is something that we carry with us for life. I truly believe that. And that is why we need to get midwives delivering babies and reserve the OBs for the truly high-risk pregnancies where they are needed.

If you haven't yet, go check out ICAN's website and read the press release about the new cesarean rates. http://www.ican-online.org/

ICAN video

This was just posted today to the ICAN email list and I have to share it. It moves me to tears. I had written a post about this topic last week and had not posted it yet. I decided to go ahead and post it now along with this video.

(And yes, my pictures are in the video-the 3rd picture is me holding Joshua for the first time and near the end there is a picture of my cesarean scar.)






And here is what I wrote last week... Just some processing I'm doing... I really just wrote it for myself to kind of sort through my thoughts and emotions. Yes, call me crazy, but even almost 3 1/2 years after my cesarean I'm still working through the aftermath.




I like to tell myself that my cesarean was necessary. I like to think that it saved my baby. I want to be one of those rare women who needed a cesarean to protect her baby. I'm having a hard time convincing myself of it though.

It's not just because most cesareans are unnecessary. It's not just because most women claim (and want to believe) that they needed their cesarean even when it was unnecessary or was caused by intervention in the birth process. It's not just so I can avoid accepting responsibility for my decisions. It's not just because I want to believe that my midwife actually had my best interests at heart. It's also not just because I want to believe that God would have given me the sign I so desperately prayed for when I was waiting for labor to begin.

No, the reason I want to believe that my cesarean was necessary is because I don't want to feel that the pain I went through was for nothing. Yes, my ultimate goal was to have a healthy baby but my baby also needed a healthy mother. I don't want to think that my son could have been born at home (as planned) and had the peaceful birth that he deserved. I don't want to remember the battle that I endured during my last pregnancy as I fought to get the birth that I wanted-and needed.

My conflict arises from my beliefs about normal birth. I honestly and completely believe that there are few cases where intervention in the birth process is truly needed. I believe that a mother instinctively knows how to birth her baby and that God designed our bodies perfectly.

With few exceptions, complications such as macrosomia, malposition, compound presentation, cord issues, etc. have a way of working themselves out. When birth is left alone it finds a way. I really believe this with all of my heart.

The problem here is that it leaves me to admit that my own cesarean likely was unnecessary. I had a large baby with a tight nuchal cord. No reason for concern, right? Why then, at 42 weeks, had labor not begun? Why was my baby having decelerations? Was his cord compressed? Was there something else going on? Was there something we didn't know that led us to the hospital when everything in me was screaming not to go?

If a mother I was working with came to me with the same issues as her birth approached, I would tell her that it would all work out during labor. The uterus would follow the baby down so that the cord would not be compromised. The mother's labor would allow the baby time to get into an optimal position and she would be guided by her instincts that would tell her what position she need to be in to push the baby out. The baby's head would mold perfectly as she birthed him.

Where does this leave me? I guess it leaves me wondering why my midwife abandoned me. Why was my baby having decels? What would have happened if I'd stayed home as planned? Was the nuchal cord an issue at all? Was there some other unseen reason that led to my cesarean? Was God really telling me that I needed to be in the hospital?

I do not believe that my son's size was the reason for my cesarean. I was a big baby, as was my husband and all of our siblings. My son's unmolded head was 16 inches around and he weighed 11 lbs, 1 oz. He had a benign heart murmur at birth but he was perfectly healthy in every way.

If nothing else, my cesarean has opened my eyes. It has shown me that there is a huge epidemic of unnecessary (and yes, some necessary) cesareans. It gave me the passion to want to help other women avoid surgical births and led me to start an ICAN chapter and become involved in the birth community. It gave me the ability to understand so much that you just can't understand until you have experienced it yourself. It made my next birth just a little more special and has given me the ability to use my story to reach out to so many other women.

I guess you could say that it molded me into who I am today and who I desire to become. It does little to help answer my questions about my cesarean or to comfort me in the mourning of my lost birth. My son missed out on the gentle birth that we had planned for him and for that I will always be sorry. I am eternally grateful for his health although I question whether the cesarean deserves any credit for that.