Thursday, July 15, 2010

In A Funk

It's been a crazy, hectic, trying week. Or week and a half I guess. I have really been in a funk and the longer I didn't blog about it, the harder it became to finally break the silence. I think this has been the only week that could possibly rival the insane two weeks of being snowed in with mastitis earlier this year.

I can't even begin to express how hard life has been. I have been feeling completely defeated. And I hate that feeling.

Thankfully, I have six sweet kids to keep me in check. If not for them, I'd really be lost. While it's true that they are the source of a lot of my exhaustion, they also make me laugh and keep me smiling. And right now, that's been a tough job.
Ryan has started asking me to take his picture and then he smiles. Like this.
Oh, I am so blessed to have these children. What would I do without them?

I certainly wouldn't be moving into a camper for the next 2 months and traveling the country. And I certainly wouldn't be playing Uno or staying up late eating marshmallows.
But right now things just suck. That's the nicest way I can say it.

Someone I love is going through a really, really difficult time and I can't help them. That's hard. And I feel helpless. And I can't talk about it right now.
And last week's visit to the rheumatologist left me with no explanation for the dizziness that still plagues me. Actually, it left me with even more questions. The doctor took one look at me and was quite sure that I had Marfan Syndrome, but after examining me found that my heart is normal and healthy and so that ruled that out. Instead, he diagnosed me with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I'm not at all surprised. The more I read about it, the more sure I was that I had some form of it. Thankfully, I don't think this means anything, other than I now have an explanation for the weird things that I've always thought were just normal. Now when I talk about my joint pain, the doctors will take me seriously.
And in true Heather fashion, I have completely jinxed myself. If you believe in that kind of thing. Which I don't. Maybe.

After canceling the ear and salivary gland surgery, I'm now second-guessing myself. I have another freaking infection in my gland. I have a huge, painful lump in my neck. I am so incredibly sick of this!!!!!

To top that off, my ear is infected again too. And I'm starting to really not believe the doctors who insist that this is completely unrelated. I find it really hard to believe that my luck is that bad. When the gland gets worse, my ear bothers me. When my ear bothers me more, I feel dizzier. And this is all coincidence? Whatever.
Last week our sweet guinea pig, Linny, died suddenly. He was fine one night and the next day I found him dead. Matthew was completely devastated. Matthew has never, ever shown emotion like this before. He's an Aspie. He is always so emotionally detached that sometimes I wonder if he really feels anything. He didn't cry when Jason left. He didn't cry when we moved. He doesn't cry when he sees sad movies. In 7 years, I have never seen him show emotion.

When Linny died, Matthew was inconsolable. He cried with such force that his body shook. He hid himself from everyone and muffled his sobs with his blanket. This went on for awhile before I got the other children to bed and took Matthew to my room. We curled up together in the darkness and it was silent for a long time. Then he pulled away from me and quietly cried himself to sleep.

It may not sound like a big deal, but if you knew Matthew, you'd understand. To see such an expression of sadness from a child who has never shown it before, was shocking. I was heartbroken for him. I wanted nothing more than to ease his pain and I felt helpless.

Matthew is ok now and is back to his emotionally-detached little self. We buried Linny without much fanfare and Matthew has not cried at all since the day Linny died. He's been very matter-of-fact about everything.
The weather has been disgustingly hot and humid, typical for July in Georgia. I find myself growing increasingly bitter and resentful as I haul my half dozen children in and out of the van as we run errands all across town. I'm not joyful anymore as I get groceries with six kids in tow. I am struggling to stay positive when I haven't had an hour to do anything for myself in what feels like forever. I need a break. I want to catch my breath. I want to sit down for just a minute. I am frustrated with the military and with the fact that Jason has been away from home for 19 months now and I have never received a single hour of respite care. Not one. So much for military support...

I'm finding it harder and harder to trust in God's plan for our family. Our house hasn't sold. We lost all of our savings when it sat empty before and now it will sit empty again. Things seem to be falling apart faster than I can put them back together again. I don't understand why this is happening.

Last week we were offered a house on base in Washington. I turned it down. They wanted us to start paying rent now, even though I can't move in until September. I politely told them that we already had 2 mortgages and I was going to be living in a camper so I wasn't able to do that right now. And now we wait again. I have no idea where we will live. I don't know if we'll find a house. The prospect of living in the camper forever is looking better and better.

My doubts and worries are just piling up... A brief fever thing caused us to rearrange our plans this week. It's been too hot to go anywhere, although we did brave a trip to the zoo last week. A good friend of mine just moved away to Florida. And next week, I'll be gone myself.

I'm unsure of myself when it comes to driving the camper. I'm worried about staying in unfamiliar places. I'm not sure that my salivary gland infection is going to hold off until I get to Washington. I'm not sure if my dizziness really is caused by something in my ear, and if it is, whether I can handle the altitude changes on our trip out west.

My head is just a jumbled mess of junk right now. I am feeling antsy... ready to get out of here and hit the road and yet terrified to actually do it.

Yep, it's official. I'm in a funk.
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