I have had a lot on my mind over the last several months. Maybe even over the last year, if I'm honest. Each time I try to write or talk about any of it, I stop myself. I know there are plenty of people out there who would look at my life and either a) think I'm totally insane or b) think I'm totally blessed. And, truthfully, it's a little bit of both.
As an adult, I've also become more and more aware that there are always those anonymous people out there that will take delight in watching me struggle. There are those that will say that I have no right to feel overwhelmed or frustrated with my children because I chose to have so many of them. There are those who will say that my husband volunteered to serve in the military and so I relinquish my right to be upset at how utterly impossible the military life can feel sometimes. There are those who will say that by sharing anything about my life, I am opening myself up to criticism that I may rightfully deserve.
Well, you know what? I don't really believe that anyone gives up a right to their own feelings, no matter the circumstances. So from now on, I think I'll just try to be honest, even when I believe that staying silent is so much easier.
In the interest of being honest, I will freely admit that I have been really struggling with my faith lately. I know that God has a plan for me and I do trust in that. But I am so conflicted when I see how even the most faithful can suffer. Some of the people I love most in this world have lost so much. We aren't talking Job here, but it's still some heavy stuff. Even the littlest things can feel so overwhelming sometimes.
So, here I am, being transparent. I'm going to hit "publish" before I think the better of it...