Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Huge, ranting vent

Be warned, this may get ugly. Go ahead and skip this post if you don't want to hear me whine, moan, and bitch about things that I cannot control.

I'm just over this whole situation right now. I'm done. I do not want to do this anymore!

On Tuesday I came home to see a realtor in my driveway. I drove past my house and went down the street. She called me to see if she could show our house. Seriously?! With not one minute of notice? Then she said she'd schedule a showing for the next morning. So yesterday I clean and get all of the kids and the dog into the van and we drive around for 2 hours. I come home and call her only to find out that she never showed the house. Is it just me or is this incredibly unprofessional? I am so sick of people traipsing through our house twice a week. I'm sick of having to get out of my house with no notice.

To top it all of, Jason called his new unit at Ft. Lewis to inquire about a pay issue. When he reached the commander he was told that they already filled his slot. He had no idea since he hasn't gotten any new orders yet. This could be great news or it could still be bad. The unit he was going to be headed to is deploying in the spring and he would have been leaving for a year. Now, he may or may not deploy. But we have no idea where we're going. Most likely it will be a different unit at Ft. Lewis. But there is a chance it could be somewhere else. Maybe closer to home? I dare not even entertain the thought or I will set myself up for another disappointment.

I feel so incredibly isolated right now. No husband, no family, no friends. I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I have absolutely zero support here. Jason's unit here has no support system in place because they never deploy. My church brought a few meals after the babies were born but that was it. My friends have all dropped out of the picture, one by one. I sometimes go days without seeing another adult.

I feel like I'm stuck in a blender. I'm all shaken up and I don't know which was is up or down. I have been handling it just fine (in my own humble opinion) but I'm ready to crack. I think I'm nearing the breaking point. And the worst part is that I'm completely unsure of how to make things better? I can't move closer to family. I can't sell our house in this tanking economy. We're going to try to rent it out now but I still can't go anywhere until we it done. Even small tasks (clogged toilets, broken door knobs, etc, etc) seem monumental to me. My health is being effected now and I'm pretty sure it's just general stress and lack of sleep, but it still sucks.

I'm just so over it. I want to close my eyes and wake up somewhere else, far away from this house and this mess. I want to shout at the top of my lungs that this sucks! I want Jason to wrap his arms around me and tell me that it will be alright. I am so glad that I'm driving to Virginia on Saturday. One more week in this place and I might just be carted away in a straitjacket.

I have 6 healthy kids. I have a roof over our heads. We have food on the table. I should be perfectly happy. So why am I so sad? Screw the optimism, I'm going to cross my arms and pout today.

That's it. Vent over.
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