Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Uterine Tucks: The Hottest New Trend

Posted by Evonne Lack in body image, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Health April 1st, 2008 Trackback

In the midst of showing off her jungle-themed nursery, Eileen Onloox grabs the back of a newly caned rocking chair and places a hand on her flat abdomen. She is wearing 3-inch turquoise pumps, a short grey skirt, and a turquoise halter-sweater cropped to reveal an inch of toned stomach. With her strawberry blonde hair and sea-green eyes, the willowy 28-year-old is striking.
“Wow!” she gasps. “That was a strong one. He’s an unbelievable kicker.”
This is not surprising, given that Onloox herself is a former Rockette. Now a model and aspiring actress, she’s happily anticipating first-time motherhood. Incredibly, Onloox will continue working through her 8th month of pregnancy – modeling non-maternity swimwear.
“I never expected to look this good at 7 months,” Onloox confesses. “I thought I’d have to stop working in my first trimester.”
It’s not just strict diet and exercise that have enabled Onloox to retain her pre-pregnancy figure. Onloox has had a uterine tuck.
“When I told my agent I was pregnant, he told me about the tuck. I was intrigued,” she says.
Onloox discussed it with her husband, Asa Tyre, Vice President of Chock-A-Block Hot Air Balloon Rides. Tyre was more than supportive. “Eileen’s gorgeous, but I doubt even she could look hot pregnant,” he says.
After a consultation with Dr. Adum Bass, the sole practitioner of uterine tucks in the country, Onloox was convinced. In her 4th month of pregnancy, she underwent the procedure, which required a 24-hour hospital stay and a week’s recovery at home.
“The term uterine tuck is really a misnomer,” explains Dr. Bass, a handsome 45-year-old and an avid surfer. “What we are actually doing is tilting the uterus, so that it expands upwards rather than outwards.”
Dr. Bass is adamant that tilting the uterus is both comfortable and safe. “In fact, a small percentage of women have naturally tilted uteruses, and they don’t show their pregnancies until very late. Most women aren’t so lucky. It’s somewhat unfair, when you think about it,” he chuckles. “We’re just evening things out for the rest of the moms.”
When asked about safety worries, Onloox waves her hand dismissively. “I’m completely confident in Dr. Bass,” she says.
However, many health care professionals have serious concerns about Bass’s work. In fact, a group of obstetricians has formed an organization called Nine Obstetricans United To Eradicate Ruthless Tucks, or NO UTER TUCKS. Led by Dr. Nada Taltru, the group is seeking a legal ban on the tucks.
“This procedure is insane,” says Dr. Taltru. “If I wasn’t so shocked, I would laugh. The operation presents great risk to both mother and baby.”
Not at all true, counters Bass. “There is a distinctly personal flavor to these criticisms,” he says. “Perhaps some of the female doctors resent that they had to go through pregnancy looking obese, so they want other women to suffer too.”
NO UTER TUCKS has issued a statement deploring the procedure. Their next step is to meet with the governor.
With the future of uterine tucks uncertain, Dr. Bass’s practice continues to swell. As for Onloox, she has no regrets. “This was definitely the right decision,” she says, adjusting the blue bumper on her new sleigh crib. “After all, look at me!” She laughs, displaying deep dimples in each cheek. “Seven months pregnant - and I can still fit into my ‘skinny jeans!’”

This is a funny (and sick) April Fool's joke that I think perfectly illustrates how our society tends to view pregnancy/birth/motherhood. Don't you love the doctor's names-"dumb ass" and "not at all true?" I came across this on the ICAN list today.
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