Saturday, June 30, 2007

Finally lost it...

Today I finally cracked. I guess it was all finally too much for me to handle.

J turned 3 today. We had planned a small party so the kids could play outside in the water and we were going to cook burgers and have cake. My house was a mess, my brother left earlier than expected today, and J's gift (a bike) arrived but FedEx came while we were at t-ball and did not leave the package. I spent the afternoon trying to get someone at FedEx to tell me a way I could get the package redelivered or go pick it up. We arrived home only 8 minutes after the driver came. 8 MINUTES!!!!!

In the end we had no gift for J to open. We can't get the package until Tuesday. Then I couldn't find my cake decorating stuff so I had to use plastic sandwich bags to ice the cake. I spent over an hour making this penguin cake. It was adorable. Then, in a fit of anger while on the phone with FedEx, I smashed it. I ruined my son's birthday.

That was it for me. I retreated to my bedroom and sobbed for the first time in over a year. Yes, it's been over a year since I've cried. It's apparently been building up though. I feel awful, ashamed, angry, depressed and lonely. I know I have PPD, among other things. I guess it's time to admit it to the world. I can't go on like this anymore. My hormones are all over the place and there is no end in sight.

If my friend Jen had not been there today to drag my sorry ass out of my bedroom, I'd still be sitting there. She saved me today when I really felt like I have hit bottom. I cannot thank her enough for being there for me today. I know she will read this, so I want her to know how much I appreciate her caring about me. And she's right, I'd do the same for her.

So today my "little" J turned 3 and I wonder how it has already been 3 years and yet it seems like so long ago at the same time. I talked with another friend who has twins and always appears to have it together. From what she's said I think she is just as "normal" as me. Why do we try to appear to be supermoms? Why can't we just show everyone that we're human? Why can't we let friends see us in our bathrobe with our house a mess?

Today has not been a good day. But I must admit that we are alive and healthy and at the end of the day I have to be grateful for that. My sanity may be long gone, but hell, I'm alive.
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