Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Brain Dump

Prepare yourself for what will probably be a very rambling blog post. I need to do a little brain dump and just clear a few things out of my head. (When did life get so complicated?) As has become pretty typical in our lives lately, things are changing again and we are just trying to hang on for the ride.

For those who have asked about me and my health, I'm ok. I'm not having my ear surgeries done right now because of the move. I am still having dizziness, but it comes and goes and really only bothers me when I'm in the car (or on the ferry) and it makes me feel motion sickness. I can feel most of my tongue now, except for the tip, which I bite or burn on an almost daily basis because of the numbness. Still tongue-tied. Not sure I'm going to fix that at all but will probably do another round of steroid injections to try to stretch the adhesions. Overall, I feel pretty good!

After writing my last blog post, "Being Honest", a friend sent me a text message. Lisa and I were both La Leche League Leaders in Georgia together and have stayed in touch on Facebook, even after we both moved away. Her husband returned from deployment shortly after my husband came home and we each have 6 children and parent very similarly. Imagine my surprise when she directed me to a blog post that she had recently written, which was also titled "Being Honest." She has shared her family's story of the deployment/redeployment cycle and how it has changed their family since her husband returned home with a brain injury.

This weekend ended up being a very difficult time for my family. I was already stressed out after realizing that I had been ripped off by a person on craigslist. Usually I'm much more cautious and I rarely buy anything from craigslist, but I fell for a scam this time and I feel incredibly dumb.

On Saturday we had to put our new dog to sleep. She was the 6-year old Jack Russell that we adopted over the summer. The rescue group that facilitated the adoption failed to inform us that the dog was aggressive and the previous owner failed to mention that the dog had bitten her toddler. We are fortunate that the dog was always very well-behaved around our children and our other dog, but she could not be trusted around other dogs. In the end, it was a very painful experience and has eroded much of the trust and respect I had for dog rescue organizations.

Sunday was a better day. We took the kids to a military kids appreciation event and it was a welcome distraction from the loss of our dog. The kids enjoyed pizza and played games to win little prizes that are now strewn all about the camper. We spent the day as a family and Jason endured all of the chaos (hundreds of children!) so that our kids could have some special fun just for them. If there is anyone else who understands the life of a military child, it's another military child.

I have been feeling so much like a failure lately that is often hard for me to see the things that are "right." Leaving behind our home in a nice neighborhood, saying good-bye to friends, and packing up to head to a new place is not easy for any of us. But I often feel like it is asking too much from our children and that it's not fair to them to expect them to go through so many changes. Then there are those moments when I let myself consider that maybe they will benefit from this life and maybe they might actually even enjoy it. When Jason and Matthew were having a conversation about what will happen when we leave Arizona, Jason mentioned the possibility of us getting stationed in the DC area for an extended period of time. Matthew's response? "But I don't want to stay in one place for that long!" Could it be that the 8-year old who has moved 9 times might actually think he has a pretty cool life?

And so the roller coaster life continues... For every high, there is an equal and opposite low. For every negative, there is a positive. I still feel like I'm trapped on this wild ride and I want to get off somehow. But what would be the fun in that?

Yesterday we abandoned school lessons in favor of a scenic fall drive. Any excuse to get out of the RV park will do! I was feeling particularly stressed after getting frustrated with myself over my own unrealistic expectations. The kids and Delmar loaded into the van and I just drove. We ended up at Jason's work and he came out and talked to me for a bit. He can always tell when I need him to talk some sense into me. So we have this nice conversation and I'm feeling better and then he casually mentions that he's leaving on Sunday. This Sunday. For a month.

Surely this is a joke, right? Jason wasn't laughing.

See what I mean? Roller coaster. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

The bright side? It's only a month. And we have done this so many times before that it's really not a big deal. It just feels big to me because of the timing.

I'm not sure yet how/if our plans will change. The kids and I might stay here. We might go visit my dad in Colorado. It's anyone guess at this point. After all, it's only Tuesday.

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